Let me be clear, I LOVE socks. I sniff them. I name them. I hoard them like dragons hoard glitter. So when one goes missing, it’s a full-blown emergency.
Over the years, I’ve tracked sock disappearances far and wide. The truth? The world is full of sock black holes. Here are my top 10 “confirmed” locations where socks vanish without a trace or with suspiciously delicious evidence.
1. The Washing Machine Portal
Let’s start with the obvious. That machine isn’t cleaning socks, it’s eating them. Somewhere between the spin cycle and the fluff cycle, socks vanish into the sockverse. I’ve sent three rescue parties. None returned.
2. Inside a Banana
Don’t ask. All I’ll say is I bit into a banana once and found my left “Snuggle Beast Neon” ankle sock. I now inspect all fruit with suspicion. Especially the smug ones.
3. In a Cow’s Mouth
True story. I dropped a sock on a countryside walk, turned around, and Daisy the cow just… stared. Chewing. The sock was never seen again. The cow still looks at me with guilt in her eyes.
4. Behind the Radiator, Circa 2019
I found it fossilised in dust, lint, not me, and despair. It whispered, “You forgot me.” I now light a candle every autumn in its memory.
5. Inside Another Sock
Look, this one’s on me. Sometimes socks get lonely and cuddle. But I once wore two on one foot for an entire day and didn’t notice.
My left toes were VERY warm. My right foot filed a complaint.
6. In My Mouth
Sleepwalking is a thing. Sleep snacking? Also a thing. Sleep-chewing on a fluffy sock and waking up mid munch? Let’s just say… I technically didn’t lose it. But emotionally? It’s gone.
7. In a Time Travel Vortex, Probably
I’m still convinced one sock slipped into a wormhole while I was chasing a cat wearing it as a hat. The sock is currently in 1842, confusing a Victorian shoemaker.
8. Traded for Snacks
I once swapped a sock for a jellybean. At the time it felt like a good deal. No regrets, Okay, some regrets.
9. Under My Hat
Three words: emergency sock storage. I forgot it was there for six weeks. Found it during a sneeze. Still wearable. Slightly seasoned.
10. Inside My Heart ❤️
Okay fine, it didn’t “go missing.” But there are some socks you just love so much, you pretend they’re lost… because no one else deserves them.
Final Thoughts from Your CSO (Chief Sock Officer)
Where do socks really go? Science has theories. I have conspiracies. All I know is, for every lost sock, a wild one appears. And sometimes… that’s even better.
Stay beastly,
Linty 🧌
